Toxic mothers.

Man. It’s strange how these blog posts are coming in the morning when I’m on the way to work but here we go 😂

This is a hard one honestly because I love my mum. No doubt about it. But the fact that when asked what my triggers are and the only thing I can think of is my mother is a HUGE problem. It’s always “ah she’s your mother” “you should be used to her by now” and if I’m honest, I’ve fucking had enough.

I’m 22 years old and my mother strikes fear in me. Not because I know I’m a dead man if I do something wrong. But because I know if I don’t take the bins out at a certain moment, she will shout. If I don’t come home at a certain time, she will shout. If I leave something somewhere, she will shout. If I breathe in the wrong direction, she will shout. You get my drift.

It’s hard when you’re constantly in a tension filled environment. I literally feel like I’m walking on eggshells 24/7. Last week, it was “you’re working and I’m here suffering” because I asked for money to buy chicken. Baring in mind I’m not earning that much, I have to contribute constantly to the house as well as trying to survive paycheque to paycheque. While telling my sister that if I need to buy things for the house I should ask her for money and that I don’t need to spend my money to do things in the house. I topped up the electricity in my house two days ago btw.

My most peaceful moments at home are when I’m home alone. How sad is that ? It’s such a shame coz these are the times I should be building a better relationship with my mum. But in reality, I’m trying to run for the hills. I can’t afford to move out but I’m looking for every way possible to get out.

Last week I was on my way to my dark place. I came home from work one day and just cried. I couldn’t deal with the stress and the pressure. It was obvious I had been crying. She asked me what was wrong. I said I felt sick. She said “oh sorry” then asked what was for dinner.

This is why when you go to mental health units you see black people, African people because what is mental health to them ? Oh you’re fine just pray. And there’s nothing wrong with prayer but when you are the root of the problem what do I do ?

I said this year I wasn’t going to allow anything to disturb my peace. Now I just need to find a way out.