Divorce.

When you’re having quite a shit day and your mate suggests you channel your energy into your blog, the result is writing about one of the topics that resulted in your shit day.

I always mention to people that my parents are divorced because I guess I’m used to it now, but what I’m not used to is the baggage and the repercussions that come with it.

My parents’ first split up when I was 8. My dad left for a couple months and then came back. He then moved out again permanently and the divorce was finalised when I was about 11/12. I can’t even pretend about what my parents marriage was like. It was hell. All I remember growing up was fights. Arguments. One of my first memories is the story my mum told me of my dad pushing her down the stairs when she held me as a baby. She had to run to my neighbours house. Seen the police reports and everything. That type of fucked up marriage.

There are literally fights I cannot forget. The April Fools Day one of 2006 will never leave me. Woken up to the sound of my mum smashing mirrors and clocks in the corridor genuinely terrified me and I still remember telling the police I didn’t hear anything.

You’d think they’d wanna get divorced quick and move on but not my parents. The divorce dragged, arguments about who deserved how much of the house etc etc. Even when they finally got divorced and it came to me, communication was through me. I was the middle man between my parents for 6 years before they spoke directly to each other. In those six years I tried to commit suicide, started self harming and smoking cigarettes and weed while I was at secondary and then in sixth form so the effect on me was evident.

They speak now but they’ve never acknowledged the damage caused. Even now at 21 my mum let me know my dad owes child maintenance money how many years later. As fucked up as their marriage is and as hard as it was to go through I wouldn’t have them be together ever. I thought that’s what I wanted as a kid but now I see the effects on me and on them.

Think that’s the part that scares me the most about marriage. Divorce isn’t something I’d ever want my own children to go through. That’s why I pray for my husband to love me forever. And I pray to be able to find it in my heart to forgive my parents for their mistakes because even after all these years I don’t think I have yet.